I'm gonna lose my job, most likely.
Asked my supervisor how they like my work, the last feedback talk was 6 momths ago and they did a 180 and said they are not happy anymore, I am making too many mistakes,
I am too insecure with the work process and they will let my contract expire in may.

They gave me a 2nd chance at a different deparment, which I do consider a demotion.
What really got me is the complete silence in regards to my work.
Another deparment needed some help, one I've not been at for a while and one of the new guys there showed me the ropes again, as a refresher.
He was surprised, he told me, he was warned by my colleagues and supervisors that I will be useless and have forgotten everything. To his surprise, I did not.

I really do feel defeated, I busted my ass off and it wasn't enough, I wasn't enough. This was close being my dream job.

Once all the paperwork has been completed I will be transfered.
But it feels more like a "we can't let you go because you show up and work, so we put yopu somewhere else so they can fail you.

I don't have a problem with people not liking to me. Just say it to my face, not behind my back.
But on the other hand, one of the laziest and greasy employees gets to stay and a promotion.

part of me just wants to hand in my notice so I have the last laugh so to speak.

I don't know why I make these mistakes, I don't notice it. BUt nobody told me either.
At this point I am convinced it's ADD, I was diagnosed as a child and when I turned 16 they no longer gave me RItalin.

Oh well, I don't know what to do.

Should I speak up during our meetings about the behind the back thing?

Just give me something strong.

My relationship with my dad is a bit rocky but good, it will never be perfect because we have been sperated for so long. I don't know my love language. I am 100% filling voids.

I am 30 and can't even make it through a week.

During puberty, I am a porn addict.

My addiction is getting worse, more depraved and I don't know myself anymore.
Last week I've spent a lot of money on women and I can't tell anyone about it, they wouldn't understand.
I wanted to feel alive for once, feel something but in the end, I felt nothing. I felt even worse.

I want to live but I can't escape the prison that is my mind and my own flat.
So what do I do? The more I fight, the worse everything gets.

I push my friends away because I am too busy indulging in my addiction instead of reaching out to them or reply to them.
I am no longer myself and I feel ashamed. I am full of hatred for what I have become.
And yet, I cannot escape; i have stopped fighting it.

At least things are going ok at work.
Can I get some Paulaner Spezi please?

I'm so sorry about your grandpa.
Your wife is a keeper, I am happy for you.

How about something weird?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3hJvFO46G4

I don't know what to write, nothing much has changed.

Friend of me is getting married and here I am, turning 31 in 3 months and all by myself.
The lack of sex is not the problem, it's the loneliness.
I feel so abandoned.
This is my own doing, partially.

But it is what it is.

Sold another bike today, which was a bit bittersweet since I rode it a lot and learned a lot of the mechanic stuff on it. But it's always nice to build something new. This singlespeed bike will be better than the old one even though it will be missed.
Pic related.

I think I know why I struggle so much with theory, I simply cannot wrap my head around right of way and junctions/general traffic rules. I don't know why but I can't understand it.
It might be for the best if I leave it.

Other than that, noithing happened, I feel empty and numb.

More Gin and Tonic please.

I can ride my bike to most spots I have to go.
Public transportation is ok where I am.
But I wanted my license mainly so I can be there for my dad, he lives a bit far away form me.
It really sits cross with me though.

I am trying to love myself for I will not be able to do anmything if I don't love myself.
It's hard undoing decades of conditioning and I don't know if I will ever be able to in time.
My time to have children is running out and I haven't been with anyone ever thus far.
Another dream to burry.

I've made up my mind and will drop out of driving school.
The fact that I can't get past theory even though I've been trying for a year says everything.
Even the simplest traffic situations overwhelm me and I cannot figure it out.
Driving is not for me but this whole thing has left me scarred, right now I've lost all my confidence, I don't trust me suceeding at anything now.

I'll have some Paulaner Spezi pls.