It has been a little while, i've been back at work a little while now and its nice and helps me distract myself from my thoughts.

I still feel like garbage a lot of the time, but its slightly different than some months ago; i dont feel like im carrying a large weight on my shoulders any more and i feel a lot lighter.

Im still in shambles about her leaving me, we still have some contact, but our conversations have started feeling more and more like we're strangers and it just sucks, almost like the 4 years we spent together didnt matter.
Im trying to move on, we've been apart for multiple months at this point, but i just cant even imagine myself with anybody else, and i really just cant get her out of my head. She really meant everything to me, she was the most beautifull and kind person i ever met, i really thought id end up marrying her.

Been thinking about maybe joining the millitary, but its mostly just a thought in the back of my head for now.

Also went skateboarding for the first time again this year, since they finally started clearing the roads and sideways of pebbles from winter.

Ive gotten some of the kids i teach at the chess club to join their first proper tournament for the first time, its nice to see how enthusiastic some of them are, and seeing them get decent results.
One of them is starting to be more and more engaged in the club and actually started showing up early to help with setup before lessons.
feels like im making a difference.

The suicidal thoughts are no longer a multiple times a day occurance, but still multiple times a week, i still believe that if my family wasnt here id be dead already and i havent gone throught with it because i dont want them to feel sad.

Overall im doing better than last time i posted something, its still tough but im hanging in there.
and again, thank you for postig these every week, it really helps to just get my thoughts out there somehow.

Id like a rum and coke please.

Sorry if this seems a bit incoherent, im just writing whatever comes to mind.

I had to put my cat of 16 years down wednesday, i also went back to work today which felt nice, i work in a kindergarten and it was quite fun when the kids all saw me and came running over to greet me.

I suck at dealing with my problems, i just end up repressing my feelings and trying to distract myself.

One of my friends came back to his family for easter so we saw a movie, went on a hike and talked a bit about life a bit.

Im still in absolute shambles from my GF leaving me, moreso than when she first dumped me.

When im unable to distract myself from my thoughts i end up wanting to hurl myself infront of a train. I feel like my life has no direction or purpose, i tried to better myself and improve before, because i imagined a future with her, and everything i did, i did becuase i wanted to be the best i could be for her.

I go through depressive periods sometimes, and i was starting to go through one, but i thought id manage because she was there... now im not so sure anymore.

I constantly think about her, and my head just wont stop.

Id like a strawberry daiquiri please.

Edit: i really appreciate you doing this every week and having a place to just spew my thoughts, thank you.

been needing to tell somebody how im doing.

I got pink eye this week it isnt that bad just slightly annoying.
I litterally cant stop thinking about my ex, it just sucks that the person i thought id spend the rest of my life with tells you she doesnt want to be together anymore.
ive only though about killing myself like 3 times this week which is a slight improvment.
I dont know how to deal with my feelings so i just try to distract myself with other things, like books, tv shows, movies or other activities, but everytime i have nothing to distract me anymore I instantly just start thinking about ending it; if i didnt have people that cared about me, id probably be dead already.

I took some time off of work because i am not really in the right state of mind to do my job correctly.

ill just take a rum on the rocks.

this week was better than the last, i still think about ending it multiple times a week however it was less than last week.
The sun being out more might have helped a bit, hopefully this trend continues.

i know i missed friday because i fell asleep after work from exhaustion, but id like a pina colada if possible.

trying to get used to share how i feel more, unfortunantly I dont feel like i have anyone i can talk to about this so i thought maybe here would be a good place to start.
the one person i could trust with anything left me and it still hurts, ive struggled with suicidal thoughts for so long i dont even remember the last time i didnt have them, however they used to only happen maybe once every week but recently it has been everyday. I most likley wont do it because i care to much about the people around me.
got called into a meeting with my boss because my coworkers noticed ive been acting differently than before, i had to go into a separate room to compose myself and almost broke down crying.

Id like a Cuba libre please

Her dad took his life some months ago, afterwards she didnt really want to meet up anymore, add to this long distance and she claimed we started growing apart.

I know its not friday anymore, but my girlfriend of 4 years just broke up with me.
I feel absolutley lost and just need to tell someone about it because all my friends have moved far away, and i have no one i feel like i can talk to anymore.

Lice*

checkmate libs

ok