Does this ever actually happen?
Like as a kid I vividly remember my mum saying don't take sweets from strangers because it might be drugs. Clearly some incident made all parents panic but like to the extent that it continues to still be one of the main things parents teach their kids about?
Idk, it's hilarious nonetheless. Xx

https://imgur.com/a/WRWp8

Get these facebook memes out of here

And you look over your story and you see your dick and you immediately delete it, only to find the next picture has your penis too. Then you go through 30+ seconds of your dick pics. You keep going and keep finding more.. until the last one. It's a video this time. It starts with some pixeled recording. You're outside and it's night time. The video quicky pans down. There it is again.. Your penis springs around as it is controlled by your free hand. But this time there is something else.. could it be..? Yes! Its another penis. You begin to fence with this new hunk of meat only to be slain down by a longer, girthier shaft. You are sad. You lost and now everyone knows you're not as good at the whole swordfighting thing as you said you were. You wet the bed.

This is a great sum up.

When my fiancee asks me what I'm thinking about, I just shrug and she's like "You're not thinking about ANYTHING?"

No, what i'm thinking about is how much I'd like to chain smoke a pack of cigarettes which you'd probably let me do it because we don't tell each other what to do, but then we'll have a conversation in four days about how you want me to quit because you need me around "for the long haul" and I love you and I get it but goddammit what I wouldn't give to just get to do something stupid and self destructive without you watching to get concerned. Also I'm thinking about how my job is unstimulating and I feel like I'm stagnating at 24 years old, it does bother me a little bit that you make more money than me. I know that it's just stupid bullheaded masculinity and it's not like it keeps me up at night, but it nags me in a very small way. Also I'm thinking about how I should call my parents, but I don't know what we'd talk about and I hate awkward conversations on the phone; also things have been really awkward with my dad ever since I told him I was voting for Hillary Clinton. Also we're both putting on weight, and that scares me because I don't want to turn out like either of our parents, but eating larger portions of food than I should is just another small thing that helps me feel something in these aimless days of work, eat, sleep, repeat. I know that's why you do it too, and it's hard to give up. But I also want us to be happy and healthy together into old age and if you end up like your mom, sitting in a chair all day and guilt-tripping people and nagging while you don't lift a finger to help out, I'm not sure I'll have the resilience your dad does. But I also owe it to YOU to stay healthy, so I really should quit smoking.

I don't say that. Instead I say, "I wasn't thinking about anything in particular."

Your narcissistic wife needs to shave

"I was deadass there for that nigga when uncle Ben died, but once the nigga got the suit he switched up, B."

She looks like she's down

When I lived with my parents, I worked evenings and was home until the afternoon. We rarely ever ordered things that required a signature, so most things were dropped off.

One day my dad was waiting for a specific package and asked me to keep an ear out for the doorbell, so I camped in the living room and was reading a book. I heard the delivery guy walk up to my front door and fumble about, and thought it was odd, so I got up and answered the door. He was in the midst of writing one of these things. I said I'd sign for the package and he says "Oh, sorry, you must not have heard me knock or use the doorbell"

"Wow, guess the dog didn't hear you either, because he didn't even bark and we were both sitting right here" and just then my off the walls terrier discovers there's a *person at the door* and goes absolutely bonkers. There's no way to not know someone's at the door with him around.

I don't get the point of not doing a part of your job when that part is so easy.

This gif helped me understand a question I never even asked.