Contractions

My favorite birthday card ever. From my sister.

I do not recommend

he said that

A Backhanded Compliment

I took a 2 hour nap to recover from my earlier nap

When you go to get a flu shot and the pharmacist is your doppelgänger

Sniffany

Poster child

She didn’t get the memo

I’m ready for my close up....

I can do Science!

My rescue dog Allen

Memory Foam.

Cow photobombing a horse

This the right number

If I had a store

Sleep terrors

gottem

The Evolution of Horror

90 kids will remember.

Black Widow's fighting technique

No one thinks you're funny Karen

Vacation at Last

I don't think that's true

DAM.

Burnout pie

oh no

My daughter was born sick of our shit

the discovery of calcium

Bongo Bebop

Poor Leif

Heit is mei oide gstrobn

"It's alright you can wake up 5 min later" said the body

Azkaban should be happiest place on earth

Hide and Seek Champions

Nothing can help

Oh shid

Ex

You've heard of Floridaman now, Kansasman.

Michael Myers is terrifying

Veey simple times

Leonardo DiCaprio is slowly morphing into Jack Nicholson

Columbus Day

Sex is temporary. SpongeBob is eternal.

Can’t afford 20” rims? No problem...

Hulk Vader

I walk a lonely path

Perfect solutions !!!!

My neighbor, using the gate to a fence as a raft, after hurricane Irma hit. He turned to me and yelled, "I feel like a true Haitian now."

Someone's jimmies are clearly rattled

Mouldy mildew, mother of mouthmuck, dangle and strangle and death.

Best greeting ever

Not gonna waste them

Turns out the Mayans predicted something right.

ДА СОМЯАДЁ IТ IS VEЯУ SРООKY

Went to a Renaissance Faire today.

This scene did not age well

A map of every European city

We're going to be late for school!

Want some snickers?

Applying for jobs be like

The “I need to talk to your manager”

How to be dad

Everyone in their marketing department deserves a raise.

"At the touch of her lips..."

updoot for calcium

Found this gold at NYCC today

Ancient Murals

ain't sayin’ nothin’ to nobody

New Game Release

Life hack

When the tables have turned..

An opossum got into my buddy's house and he snapped a selfie with it while he was carrying it out.

This bottle cap.

God of Mischief

QUICK, HE’S ONTO US!

Just Married

This comic strip had me at “Vegetable Stories”

Never seen one of these before... But wow...

Hour 1 of Disneyland vs hour 13 of Disneyland

Is this what it means to grow up?

Found this... So true

Local advertising, done right.

And it was stupid to kill!

Tried to get a sweet picture of my daughter holding the baby. The real gem is my wife’s panic face

You know it's gonna be a fun PE class when the teacher takes these out at the beginning of class.

A few years makes a big difference...

This gecko dangerous

This is actually the most accurate thing ever!

Looks dope

My wifes new coffee stand

Southlake PD at it again.

It looks like this antenna is calling the clouds for a fist fight

Best use of photoshop ever.

Solid save

When your signal light is broken

Not an original idea. But I still made lots of strangers laugh today at the Chicago Marathon.

Curse of the unduck

Just look it up on the web