Shut your mouth and believe the lies

School attendance is crucial

DEUTSCH-SÜDWESTAFRIKA

Gender fluid is sooo last month

I know its probably a repost, but it's so true

That bad, huh?

I’m going to kill it at the office sweater party this year

Probably sit this one out!

Jizz addicts

Open up. I know what you did to my ***ing brother.

My local bar has a drunk test for people leaving

Dr. Phil be like

Chief Vitamin Water

Ah! Makes sense now!

Are you seeing this?

I've found solace in this fact...

Every day right around 5, this sun of a *** tries to kill me

The coffee shop around the corner is always cracking jokes

Doctors be like

"Free Willy" on a budget

This is one of my 3rd grade student’s “rocket ship” for our solar system posters that get hung around the room.

My husband made Snoop Dogg on Red Dead 2... his name is Snoop Dizzle

The Illuminati hiding in plain sight

Star Wars Holiday Special

More about offending the masses...

The answer is no. You should NOT vacuum pack bagels.

The sequel looks lit, fam!

14 reasons why

Me *gigling*: Nigg.. ADMINS:

This fire hydrant is up to no good.

7 year old joke. Still true, still funny...

You got any more of these Iron Daggers?

“Hey you want Chinese for dinner?” “No I already ate...”

No matter how I read this sign, I still have questions.

Dammit Jerry

Only sometimes

Family Circus v.2018

Baby baby baby ooooohhhh

My robot cat hunted a robot mouse and gave it to me as a gift.

Screaming in peaceful

What a gem

Eagles

Are you even the Queen if you don't come in every colour.

@DramaAllert

The world may never know

My kind of friend

Tweets from the past were worst killers than actual killers

Timeout changes a man

Please help Tony!

During my first year as a teacher, I confiscated a phone from an 8th grader. This was their screensaver.

You reckon?

We need answers!

Another reason not to drink and drive.

Black is the best colour!

Name a better duo

My kid saw me watching Bob Ross. Then she handed me what she called "happy little trees."

You got it girl

WELCOME TO SEA WORLD YOU LITTLE SHIT

The Venus Flytrap

My parents have contractors doing a long term project so my mom decided make it festive.

Far Side never seems dated.

When you leave your car out in the hot sun for too long and it starts to melt.

Its that season of the year again!

Never leave a man behind

Christmas cheer

I feel like I’m being called out

Coca Cola addiction

Epic

Use of the phrase "Exponential Growth" by decade

Love me some bacon!!!

I'm not fat, I have big boughs.

My husband, after he cut our daughter’s umbilical cord this August

So, Bad English, Original English, Polite English, or Upside-down English?

1 for 2 but for 1

Green like how?

This label on a flexible charger I bought a while ago

What a good deal!

I farted and my dog moved to the far side of the sofa and has been looking at me like this since

one stupid pony vs. millions of starving people

I'm a bearded man living in Canada. This happens to me almost everyday, hence, I decided to create a meme about it.

Aye aye Captain Crunch

Chief

In your head

Perfect score!

I say: no.

I came home to the Grinch stealing my Christmas tree, but I scared him off before he could get the ornaments.

“This car barrier prevents your pup from nosing up between the seats, being a distraction, or jumping where they shouldn't go.”

Had a nice photo with the missus and had it put on a key ring, only to later notice this gem... Worst/greatest picture ever

These off brands are getting out of hand

Life hack #6632

Endgame

We didn’t want to set up the second half of the tree. So we got creative. Meet treevor

A six year journey...

Everything the light touches can be powered by clean burning propane

Writing a letter to the red guy

I think I got the wrong Happy Meal

Grandma knows better

just get down here

I can and i shall

The sword tho