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"I have a tie for every holiday." - "Oh? How many ties do you have?" - "I just told you. I have A tie."
Robert Paddington
Finally, some rest
hire
The smile is what got me
Doggy never brought it back.
M'lady
My daughter got an etch a sketch today for her 8th birthday. She drew a cat puking.
Wet Ass pavement
Dad achievement unlocked.
Is my dad George Costanza?
Moving Company
Put it back and take a doll instead
Leave me be
The progression of my daughter realizing it wasn’t just a toot.
Relative every time
The math is correct too
I still do this at 25 also I live alone
The Nokia 3310 turns 20 today!
...god why
Throw hi in the fire instead
Science b*ch
please stop
No regrets
They recognize Doge, but it sounds insane
When the weather forecast is very accurate
He started it all... Also he is from Ohio
Found today in Stirling, Scotland. :)
must have been
Snail Eyes
Will the political posters please shut up and fuᴄk already
I have right!
Strange things happening in the hood
Shoot me!
I will not ..
Ulterior Motives
Nice...
He needs some milk
Meanwhile, women still searching for a pocket in their clothes.
Horny MotherDucker
How to trigger the f*ck out of MacTrumpo
Met this shady guy behind the circle k.
Money is not everything!
Humans deserve it
Lawful Pun
I hate love you
That'd be wonderful
Everybody's gangsta till I bring out my tool of mass destruction.
House Painters
That's some real gangsta shit
“The screamer” bumper protector
The perfect advertisement doesn’t exi-
bats upside down look like a goth nightclub
Fresh Junk
Do not put raccoon on head
A friend of ours sent my wife and I the only photo they found from their wedding that my wife was in.
not all guitar heroes have capos
You are tank now
Doggy no
Sometimes Twitter is very insightful
Squirrel Cheeks
Smooth jazz
Consider it an NDA
He’s always watching...
I'm pretty sure he made everyone's day today that stopped at that light.
Livin' the high ping life
This man in Kentucky took his pregnant wife’s place when she couldn’t attend her maternity photo shoot after being suddenly placed on bed rest. He took the opportunity to cheer her up with this.
But you're just a fish
Its the best feeling
Went to get a car wash, some great advertising
What a truly terrifying creature this would be.
These panhandlers are getting creative.
"the bomb has been planted"
Blue light special
I'm always cool
Hopefully you get it
Suck at this.
At least they understand social distancing
let brehsus be the judge brehs - still not a reason to actively be inmoral go love others breh
We do as Yeezus coomands
Alright, we need cardboard masks
Best Obituary Ever
PDNEJOH
Relatable
Little Damien is such a blessing
Extracurricular activities
Savage Android
My $500 laptop stand
Same, but with Master Crocks
Construction workers have my home office looking exactly like Dexter's kill room.
it's because of global warming
He is becoming one with the Ancestors!
Van unlocked golden skin after kidnapping 10,000 kids
Modern solution for a modern world.
I have the gender a lot of times
Cat knows the magic word!
Futurama accurately predicts 2020
I'm shy
Well, mother was right.
That wasn't so bad