you can’t recognize someone by their sho-

"I have a tie for every holiday." - "Oh? How many ties do you have?" - "I just told you. I have A tie."

Robert Paddington

Finally, some rest

hire

The smile is what got me

Doggy never brought it back.

M'lady

My daughter got an etch a sketch today for her 8th birthday. She drew a cat puking.

Wet Ass pavement

Dad achievement unlocked.

Is my dad George Costanza?

Moving Company

Put it back and take a doll instead

Leave me be

The progression of my daughter realizing it wasn’t just a toot.

Relative every time

The math is correct too

I still do this at 25 also I live alone

The Nokia 3310 turns 20 today!

...god why

Throw hi in the fire instead

Science b*ch

please stop

No regrets

They recognize Doge, but it sounds insane

When the weather forecast is very accurate

He started it all... Also he is from Ohio

Found today in Stirling, Scotland. :)

must have been

Snail Eyes

Will the political posters please shut up and fuᴄk already

I have right!

Strange things happening in the hood

Shoot me!

I will not ..

Ulterior Motives

Nice...

He needs some milk

Meanwhile, women still searching for a pocket in their clothes.

Horny MotherDucker

How to trigger the f*ck out of MacTrumpo

Met this shady guy behind the circle k.

Money is not everything!

Humans deserve it

Lawful Pun

I hate love you

That'd be wonderful

Everybody's gangsta till I bring out my tool of mass destruction.

House Painters

That's some real gangsta shit

“The screamer” bumper protector

The perfect advertisement doesn’t exi-

bats upside down look like a goth nightclub

Fresh Junk

Do not put raccoon on head

A friend of ours sent my wife and I the only photo they found from their wedding that my wife was in.

not all guitar heroes have capos

You are tank now

Doggy no

Sometimes Twitter is very insightful

Squirrel Cheeks

Smooth jazz

Consider it an NDA

He’s always watching...

I'm pretty sure he made everyone's day today that stopped at that light.

Livin' the high ping life

This man in Kentucky took his pregnant wife’s place when she couldn’t attend her maternity photo shoot after being suddenly placed on bed rest. He took the opportunity to cheer her up with this.

But you're just a fish

Its the best feeling

Went to get a car wash, some great advertising

What a truly terrifying creature this would be.

These panhandlers are getting creative.

"the bomb has been planted"

Blue light special

I'm always cool

Hopefully you get it

Suck at this.

At least they understand social distancing

let brehsus be the judge brehs - still not a reason to actively be inmoral go love others breh

We do as Yeezus coomands

Alright, we need cardboard masks

Best Obituary Ever

PDNEJOH

Relatable

Little Damien is such a blessing

Extracurricular activities

Savage Android

My $500 laptop stand

Same, but with Master Crocks

Construction workers have my home office looking exactly like Dexter's kill room.

it's because of global warming

He is becoming one with the Ancestors!

Van unlocked golden skin after kidnapping 10,000 kids

Modern solution for a modern world.

I have the gender a lot of times

Cat knows the magic word!

Futurama accurately predicts 2020

I'm shy

Well, mother was right.